Monday, May 25, 2015

Trusting the Process...

My younger child has just graduated from college with honors and he has earned his Bachelor of Arts degree in a field where he anticipates job openings. I hope the universe is tuned in!  My oldest already has her Masters, is on her own and is gainfully employed. My kids did good. It wasn't a smooth ride by any means... but the mission has been accomplished and I am an extremely proud (and relieved) Mother of two incredible and incredibly different kids.

I have to admit, that even though the goal was for them to become independent one day with careers and lives of their own... I wanted more for them. Armed with my own college education, the best parenting books plus tips from family and friends (the internet wasn't around in the mid 1980s) ...what I really wanted for my kids, but didn't know at the time, was that they would become productive, self sufficient, and emotionally and mentally strong. I wanted them to learn to care about themselves and others, to never confuse happiness with selfishness or selfishness with happiness and to make good decisions by learning from mistakes. I wanted them to know their innate worth and the value they bring to others through their contributions and participation in the world.   I wanted them to know where 'center' is... that intangible place where few of us 'go' to get answers that only come when we are quiet. All these things go way beyond academic objectivity and a solid resume.

I do wonder sometimes if I could have saved myself some stress and worry by just being more sure of myself, more firmly standing in my own space as a divorced parent, a little more product driven/a little less process oriented, taking up as much room as a person needs, to make the right decisions in times of unexpected turbulence. When we did hit a few bumps of turbulent air,  I know that I did the best I could with the resources I had and what I knew to be true about how each of us worked. In the long view, my tendency for process was a good thing.  Not always, but I'm fairly confident that I knew my kids as well as a person can know an adolescent. The business and yes, process of raising other human beings has taught me so much about myself and what I was capable of.  And because it is a process, there are just some things you learn as you go. As a family, we landed pretty close to where we had hoped, but geez, knowing if we were on course or not, sometimes... it was just a guess!   And it was messy... as other families may admit to or not, depending on how much truth they can tolerate.

When challenges arise, knowing what to do can sometimes be a guess based on a lot of what we already know and the counsel we seek from trusted resources. But 'knowing' comes from many places. If I've learned anything over the last 20 plus years, I've learned that it's okay to guess, to trust the process, to reach out to others, to go beyond the intellect, to rely upon and trust my own wellspring of intuition and emotional knowing.

They are off and running their own lives but I think we will always be 'in process' with new goals moving us forward as individuals.  I hope that 'softer knowing', that inner voice that goes beyond intellect will be of value to them, especially when things aren't easy.  They decide what is right for them and I just support their ideas. They have also been supportive of my new goals as I grow and change. I don't have the starring role in their lives anymore and for that, I am grateful because that was never the plan. That was then, this is now. They did good, and, actually, so did I.


Interested in finding a Life Coach?
Find Ellen Leon Rosoff at Elleon Coaching
www.elleoncoaching.com
https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/205531

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    1. Deb, I so appreciate your response to the post. Thank you for your kind words.
      Ellen

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